Summer. Where Art Thou?

I'm tired. And sick. I'm tired of being sick. I have been sick since Christmas, on and off. Mostly on. I don't want to cough anymore. I'm tired of the adoption thing taking so long. I'm tired of the must have routine of school days. I'm tired of homework, permission slips, field trips, making lunches and getting up at 5 AM. Oh yeah. I'm tired of getting up at 5 am. I want to be one of those people who goes to bed about 10:30 pm and sleeps till around 7:30 or 8 the next morning. It doesn't matter what time I go to sleep, I wake up at 5 am. I want summer to be here. I want to stay in bed until 7 am and then get up and go for my walk/run and stop at the Beach Hut for a coffee with my sister before coming home to start my day as a parent. I want a car that won't break down ever 2 to 3 thousand kms. No I want a brand new mini-van, and Becky, I would be happy with taupe. The problem with a brand new mini-van is the brand new payments which I don't want. I want a clean house. I'm not talking about a clean house on the weekend because I've finally had the time to spend with Jack and the girls doing a thorough cleaning, only to have it disappear by Sunday night. I mean a clean house like Mitz or like Mom or Orlah always have. I want to know that I can call a friend to meet me at my house right after work and know that it will be clean. The problem is I want kids and somehow I can't have both. I think mostly I'm tired of being alone. I want someone to come home to that isn't a kid. OK. Tye isn't a kid, but he's my kid. So is Jack. I want Tye to not have to feel like he needs to take care of me. I want to go visit him in his house and bring him summa borscht because I know he'll never make it himself. I want Jack to do better at school and get a job. I want him to be excited about growing up and moving out with friends, but he's not. I want him to get his driver's and a life. I guess I'm just feeling a little battle bruised today. Sorry for such a depressing post. When I think of my brother John and his family I feel like a big baby writing this.

Who Am I?

When I was a young girl I always thought that I would never grow up to be like my Mother. I was going to be a great Mom. I would be my children's' best friend. I would never yell at them, I would teach them all the right things and they would love me more than anyone in the world. I was so smart. I knew it all and my mother didn't.

Now I am 50 years old and I am so much like my mother. I do all the things I said I would never do. I yell at my kids. I do things myself instead of teaching my kids to do it because it's easier and quicker. I think my kids love me, but I think they love video games more. LOL

When I look back now, as an adult, I can see that I am not the parent my Mom was. So what happened? Who changed? Me or my Mom? I think the answer to that is, both of us have changed. She became more mellow and I turned into my Mom. I don't know how often I have heard my family say to me, "You are just like Mom." When I was young I probably would have been offended by that, but now I look at her and I take it completely as a compliment. I wish I were more like her in some ways than others. I am forgetful like her. I have some weird ideas like her, and some people say I look like her. There are many ways I am not like her, though. I think she was much more patient than I am. I think she taught her children much more than I have taught mine. All in all, I think she was pretty smart and a pretty great mother. I'm not sure how my resolution to not become my mother suddenly became much more attractive than it was when I was young.

So, to sum it all up, I think my Mom is a pretty great person. I think that if I could be thought of the way most people think of her, I would be a very fortunate woman. I think the greatest legacy a parent can leave is their morals, ideals, and values and in that my parents have not fallen short. What a family to be a part of. What a legacy to hand down to our children. I pray I will live up to it.